The adult Memory Challenge

I'm sweating. No, it's not because I had a really intense workout or run. (Who would I be kidding-I only run when I'm being chased.) It's because I just played the hardest game of Memory in my life. You remember Memory, right? Cute kids game with little cardboard squares you had to put face down and find the match? (Please ignore this blog if you were a weird home-schooled kid or you had some wicked strong ADHD) Anyway, I learned that this cute game in elementary school has inserted its way into my adult life. Have you ever looked in your sock drawer for a pair of matching socks?..."Ok, here's this white sock (search for match), oh wait here's this black sock and I'm sure I saw the other one by the first white one I picked up. (Look for said sock) Nope, not over here, but isn't this the match to the white sock I just had-or is this same one I found earlier?" Arrrghhhh!! This game was way more easy and fun when I was a kid...:(

Scrapbooking is for Kindergartners

I really don't understand the sheer excitement of scrapbooking. Sure, I'm all about preserving the memories, but it's glue, glitter and macaroni for God's sake! I've seen grown women scream in delight over making cute pictures and gluing leaves and glitter to paper. Am I the only adult in the room?! And let's be honest, unless it's your family and close friends you're showing...who the heck cares about your snotty kid eating a leaf? It certainly doesn't warrant a frame in glitter and jewels. I'm not anti-children (considering I have an awesome three year-old little girl;) or against the desire to save one's family's memories. I just don't understand what could be fun about gathering grown women together to oooh and ahhhh over what is essentially a skill we all learned in kindergarten and our parents hung on our refrigerator doors? Has anyone ever heard of PowerPoint or Adobe Photoshop?! You can make a slide of your pics, add fun backgrounds to them and even cheezy mood music to the background as each slide dramatically fades into another adorable memory. All to keep forever on CD-Rom or USB key which can be shown on your own TV! So, while termites and/or moths eat your uncooked macaroni masterpieces...I'll have my memories perfectly preserved on CD-Rom. So I implore you ladies, put the scissors and glitter down. There is no reason I should get an annoying pop-up for a class called "Scrapbooking Scissors 101"....

Adventuring to the backwoods of NC...No banjos were heard...

Instead of DVD players, airbags in my seat cushion or warning labels that I have only read when with whomever I was traveling with was THAT boring...I wish cars came with a sign on the bumper that you could turn on when needed in particular situations, i.e., "I have never been where I'm trying to go and I took the back way." Expect frequent stops, slower than Grandma's driving on Sundays, 3 point turn arounds and turn signals used when not needed or not at all. It is unnecessary to flip me off as you go around me at 90 mph. I'm already having a bad day...

Help! I see Stepford-wives!!

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post, obviously, in a pre-mentrstraul induced frenzy so do be warned that it does seem a bit harsh. And I know since some people can't seperate having a bad day as a military spouse with being completely un-patriotic and un-supportive of our troops, let me clarify...I love my husband, the Marine Corps and couldn't be more proud to be married to a United States Marine. Semper Fi!!
So my active duty husband and I have lived in Jackson-hell for three years (I have no idea what DH stands for but I won't use it if has anything to do with dependent. I'm a wife, mother and college graduate. NOTHING about me is dependent. The USMC should really update their terminology to the 21st century...)Sorry-sidetracking. Anyway I have lived in this awful place for 3 years. I worked in radio in New Bern for two of those years and that was my only saving grace. Unfortunately I was laid off and can't find a job here to save my life. And I need a job. Not for the money so much as for the socialization and the feeling that I should contribute to society other than popping out babies every year. I have one child which is all my hubby and I want so he had a vasectomy. One of the wives in his squadron actually gasped and asked if I had fertility problems. I chuckled and told her no. Then I thought, I have common sense and more than one purpose on this earth than to have babies. Nothing against those who want large families-to each its own, however, I don't think she would have appreciated if I asked her if she had condom or birth control problems...And for the officer wives that are preparing to try and recruit me into your cult (I think they refer to it as the key volunteers-but whatever, it's a cult) save your breath. I always find it amusing that many of the officer wives turn up their noses at me because I am married to an enlisted man which appparently makes him half retard and I as well for marrying him. I also find it amusing that these particular wives are the ones who aren't educated themselves. So since being MARRIED to your husband makes you special b/c HE'S educated-then bow down sister b/c I am too! I actually grew up, went to school and hung out with one of my hubby's squadron officer wives. She's real chatty if we bump into one another in Walmart (I love Walmart-the only place where all the classes are equal for a moment just from entering those Walmart doors...) but just a quick hi and than a dash to the officer wive's side during forced family fun day.So therein lies the problem. The wives of my hubby's peers are barely over age 20 and I'm 28. And just b/c we both have children doesn't mean I want to buy you alcohol for your house party while everyone's kids run around unsupervised and the adults are all drunk. Or I have the snobby officer wives who are too busy baking, scrapbooking, up-turning their noses or recruiting for their cult. So I send out a plea. Are there any NORMAL Marine Corps wives out there? By normal I mean-support your husband-but not a USMC a#@ kisser, doesn't have to ask permission to go out on the weekend and doesn't have the innate desire to bake, scrapbook or talk about how great their children are every 5 seconds? Stepford Wives need not apply...I hope most of you realize this cynical rant is mostly intended for humor-but truthful all the same;)

Flight Attendant Mantra

No, you can't put your bag in the hatrack. It'll have to go on the floor,
And I'm sorry you can't put it there, Sir, You see, that's an emergency door.
I'm sorry, this isn't your seat, Ma'am. It belongs to this gentleman here.
And your son's just removed all the oxygen masks.
Yes, isn't he a dear.
I'm sorry, I don't have pesetas, But I do have change for a dollar,
And I'm dreadfully sorry the plane lurched And I spilled that beer on your collar.
I'm afraid, Sir, we've run out of bourbon. You'll settle for a whisky sour?
Miss, when are we going to get there? Two hours ago, you told me an hour.
Now the other attendant comes up from the galley, Having finished his solitaire game,
Says, "17A wants a couple of beers. Here, you take them, er - Whatsyourname?"
Now I'm sitting in the galley,
Massaging my aching feet,
When a head pokes itself round the curtain, And says, "Miss, my son's wet his seat."
At last Indianapolis is looming beneath us,
And the plane is touching down.
And they're scrambling for the exits,
Before the wheels hit the ground.
Now I'm standing in the doorway,
And smiling and saying 'Goodbye'
And I'm so relieved that it's over...
That I wonder why I fly.

I fly in a large Nintendo

Seriously, this is true. I'm not even talking about a really cool Wii or even a Super Nintendo. I'm talking about the old school gray-box nintendo with the the two bottons: reset and power. Let me clarify... I was on a DC to Fort Lauderdale trip recently. We boarded all the passengers, did a flawless performance of the safety features with a perfect seat belt demonstration any flight attendant would be proud of. Surprisingly no one clapped at said performance...or even woke up, but I'm side tracking now. Anyway, back to the story... Passengers loaded, demo done, count finished and called the Captain to let him know that we flight attendants had secured the safety of every individual and we were ready for takeoff. (It's mostly summed up by saying "Ready for Takeoff" but this is a story so dramatic effect added for your pleasure)...

The captain then says he's going to open the door and talk to me. Feeling super important as the "A" flight attendant I wait for the cockpit door to open. He proceeds to tell me we were going to have a 30 minute or so delay because when they started the engines the computers did not load properly. I asked him how this was fixed and he stated that they simply turn the plane off and turn it back on. Really?? Like a computer or nintendo I ask? Exactly the captain tells me. He then goes on to say that sometimes not all the systems "boot" right sort of like when you used to turn on your Nintendo and you would get the fuzzy line in the middle of your screen and Mario would have a really long distorted torso half way down the screen. So how did we fix this children of the 80's? Turn it off, take out the cartridge, blow into the cartridge, blow into Nintendo slot and turn back on. Luckily, nothing in the cockpit had to be taken out and blown on (wow-that sentence was filled with un-intentional naughty puns;). However I watched as the captain turned off the plane, restarted the plane and literally said "Yessss! the way a guy would if his football team scored a touchdown; as every system restarted correctly on his screen. I asked if this was just our planes and he said, no, all planes do this from time to time. So next time you're in a plane, remember, It's a Nintendo. Hope that the captain knows the secret cheats like up,up,down, down,left, right, left, right, B, A, Start. Or that he will just turn it off, blow on the dash and restart. Happy flying!

Signs You're in a Haunted Hotel

1. The hotel is considered "historic", but it isn't beautiful.
2. There is a "briefing" on the history of the hotel given to you with your key.
3. Said briefing includes "French and Indian battleground..."
4. The floors are very narrow and you find yourself constantly on the same floor although you have been turning corners and going up stairs. (Picture the "Shining")...
5. There are no elevators.
6. Empty corner rooms with nothing in them except early century wallpaper and REALLY bright lights
7. Black and white photos of the original owners on the walls.